Distant

So I haven't blogged in a while. I'm not sure why, I think its probably been because it has been hard for me. I have distanced myself from my Maker and I am returning, but that is not what anyone of my readers...all 2 of you...want to hear.

I was talking to a friend of mine last night and I had something on my mind. I kind of felt like growing up I built my foundation on the rock, the rock of Jesus Christ. "Jesus is my firm foundation, I know I can stand secure, Jesus firm foundation, I put my trust in his holy word...the name of the Lord is(clap, clap clap) a strong tower..." Okay, okay, I won't continue with the 80's maybe early 90's Christian praise music. Anyway, I have felt a bit like I have been on the sand. Like my foundation was shaking and I was sinking into the oblivion of what I thought I was secure in.

After considering my wavering, I began to feel like, it's not the foundation that's changed its just my house that I have built on it shaking like mad in the storms of this past year. You see, what saved me is the fact that I didn't build my house on the sand. Bless the Lord.

Turns out, growing up is hard, choosing God daily is harder than when I was a child. Choosing the world seems somewhat enticing but the world will not overcome me, I will overcome the world.

This song describes the life I live...I couldn't be more blessed to live it. It is written from the perspective of Naomi and Ruth.

Nichole Nordeman & Amy Grant – I’m With You Lyrics

Love is a hurricane in a blue sky
I didn’t see it coming, never knew why
All the laughter and the dreams
All the memories in between
Washed away in a steady stream

Love is a hunger; a famine in your soul
I thought I planted beauty, but it would never grow.
Now I’m on my hands and knees
trying to gather up my dreams
trying to hold on to anything

And we could shake a fist in times like this
When we don’t understand
Or we could just hold hands

You and me, me and you
Where you go I’ll go too
I’m with you, I’m with you
Until your heart, finds a home
I won’t let you feel alone
I’m with you, I’m with you, with you

You do your best to build a higher wall
To keep love safe from any wrecking ball
When the dust has cleared, we will
See the house that love rebuilds
Guarding beauty that lives here still

It’s you and me, me and you
Where you go I’ll go too
I’m with you, I’m with you
Until your heart, finds a home
I won’t let you feel alone
I’m with you, I’m with you

Who can say I’m left with nothing
When I have all of you, all of you, yeah
In the way you’ve always loved me
I remember. He does too

You and me, me and you
Where you go I’ll go too
I’m with you, I’m with you
Until your heart, finds a home
I won’t let you feel alone
I’m with you, I’m with you
(We’re gonna make it through)

You and me, me and you
Where you go I’ll go too
I’m with you, I’m with you
Until your heart, finds a home
I won’t let you feel alone
I’m with you, I’m with you

With you

beautiful things out of dust....

Well, here I am again, alone with my thoughts and expectations of life, not fully understanding, but hoping to grasp the full of affect of my calling one day. I have been emotional the last couple of days to say the very least.

I just want to share something that will forever bless my heart. It involves one of the most important people in my life, Carter Coven. I went to a ball game with the Coven family(for Grandpa's B-day), and had a blast. Without a doubt getting to know this wonderful family has been one of the highlights of my life. We were getting ready to leave the park and while walking out I spotted a homeless man, my first reaction was to ask if he needed any food, so I did, and he said he thought he was good for the night, he sent his blessings and we sent ours, and off to the grass we went to throw the ball around. We weren't two minutes into playing when Carter came up to me and said, we have got to get water for that homeless man, we have to. So we did, I took it to him and basically said, " Everyone can always use some more water," we chatted with him and introduced himself and I introduced the boys. We all shook hands and went on our ways. Walking away Carter started jumping and announced that he felt, " SOOO GOOD." He said, "I think this may be what I want to do with my life, help the homeless and maybe stay the night with them some. " I was so proud of his tender heart, and I told him so over and over. When we got into the car, I again I told him how proud of him I was. When I stopped gushing he said, "Emma, I just had to do it. One time I saw a homeless man who was begging, but saying to us God bless you, and I didn't do anything to help him, and I felt like I should have. I made a promise to myself that I would never let that happen again, so I had to do it. " SAKES ALIVE! I was now holding back the ugly cry(thinking that of course might disturb him enough to never do it again ;) ). Out of the mouths of babes.

I kept thinking, that this is the child Matthew would have wanted him to be. Tender-hearted to the point of action. And truthfully, with teary eyes as I type, I'm just sorry he wasn't able to witness it.

I have been listening to a song that has penetrating the core of my being called, "Beautiful Things" By the Gungor Band. The chorus of this song is simple, but true...Speaking of God he sings, "You make beautiful things, you make beautiful things out of dust, you make beautiful things you make beautiful things out of us." I saw the beauty of God last night watching Carter, I'm so thankful I was able to see God make something beautiful out of dust.

People Pleaser, much?

I was listening to a sermon by John Bevere on being a people more worried about pleasing others than pleasing God. I must say, one of my greatest and worst characteristics is to lift one's spirit through kind words, yet, sometimes I think I do it in order to feed a deep desire for people to be pleased with me and to like me, and to not leave me. He spoke of things that devastated my desire for self elevation, such as, whomever your source is, is whom you will serve. And it is that source that you will try not to offend. So if you're connected to God and he is your source then you work to please him and not offend him with your lifestyle...in the same manor if man is your source you work to please and not offend man...which is more important? I know the right answer and my answer...sadly, they don't line up, though I'm getting them in line.

"Hey, are you okay?"

"So...are you really okay?"

I have been hearing that a lot recently, and I think it's odd, because I have truly not been as good as I am right now, in a long time...as it goes for happiness level.

So for the last couple months I have been seeking what I should do next and it's a tad daunting to think of...actually really daunting, but I was reading a book by Shane Claiborne that really spoke to the depth of my heart yesterday and changed my heart motive of prayer for my future. The book was speaking about vision and how the greatest leaders have vision that will positively affect the people with whom they lead...they can see positive change for the world and then live it out. A truly powerful concept. As I was chewing on that, I began to ask myself what my vision is and I couldn't answer. You see, I have been praying for what will effect my next season, or what job to take, or where to live, but I think I was missing it. I believe God is saying, "Emma, find your vision and align your future in that."

The Lord is good and His mercy endures forever. The Lord is good.

Ramblings...

I feel like today might be a rambling....a rambling of God thoughts I have been having. I think that's okay, because when my mind goes 90 mph with God, it has no room for other things...it may lack direction, but it is not without zeal.

In the rumblings of my spirit, I feel the undertone of something great going to happen. I don't know what that means, or what that will look like, but I feel it. When I got home from Jonesboro, one of my neighbors came out and said, "Something great is going to happen to you...I can feel it" I received it, with open arms.

Yesterday in church the pastor spoke on something that really ministered to me. He was speaking of Jesus' encounter with Peter, specifically when he was called to be a fisher of men. He asked the question, "What happened to the fish?" When Peter, who's worldly identity was a fisherman, had the best catch of his life, it says he left all he had and followed the Lord. Pastor Li, then challenged the body in this: If you were given everything in your earthly identity...you had the catch of your life...would you be able to leave it all and find your truest identity in Jesus.

GLORAYYYYY!

I have been spending time focusing in on what is the next step in my life. I don't know yet, but I'm seeking the face of God right now in order to find out. I am seeing myself as more of an administrator these days, because I can't seem to find my vision, but I know when I do figure it out, I can put into action.

Esther

My mother recently challenged me to do a study on the people in the Bible who had a call on their life. She recommended this because, I have a bit of an issue with finding my purpose in life and truly understanding my calling.

So I began my journey in Esther. I'm only in chapter 4 of the book I have read so very many times before, but I'm seeing so much.

The power of Faith, faith in a God who isn't even mentioned in the book. Mordecai, truly amazes me. He believed in Esther long before Esther believed in Esther. He encouraged her to go, talked to her daily, and began to birth within her the vision of God's heart. A good father(uncle) is what he was. Someone who captured the heart of God and inspired his child to do the same.

For my Calvinist friends, I also believe predestination is a huge part of this story. God had a plan and he fulfilled it...for my Armenians I see that there was free will involved. Esther didn't have to go into the king's chambers and beg for her people, but she chose to knowing it was worth everything.

Preparation is key to this story as well. Everything is done within a certain and appropriate order.

Finally, I have noticed that the calling is not without hardship...The Jewish people were about to be annihilated, Mordecai was in deep anguish, Haman will die, and the king was embarrassed by Vashti...but this pain all led to the end purpose of God...interesting eh?

I'm still learning and still growing in understanding, but I am truly enjoying the revelation I have been given, thus far.

Change

Nine months ago, nearly to do the day, my life fell into a season of change, and it's changing and changing, and changing. Nothing seems to be the same anymore except for one thing, one constant, and that would be, of course, my Savior, Jesus Christ. Always faithful to the end as Cory Asbury might say.

A snapshot of where I have been:

After returning home from a mission trip to Australia, which radically shook my paradigm of God and threw him out of the box, of which I put Him in, one of my dearest friends tragically ended his life. This changed everything for me. After following the calling of the Lord, I ended up moving a couple hours away from Jonesboro and living in now what I call my home, Little Rock.

In the last 6 months of living there I have had a blast, I got a job as server and bartender, I was able to be close to my best friend who is probably the best part of me, and I have become a part of a church that shares the same heart that I have for the world.

But for the last month, my heart has ached, and I have found myself falling into a deep pit of what I thought was unknown despair, yet after much prayer and mentoring I'm realizing it was more of a pit I dug for myself.

There are two things I have seen in my life:

1. I put hope in people not in God

2. I have lived a right life yet have not lived in deep righteousness

1.

I have believed in healing and help for people who did not receive it. I believed people were inherently better than they actually are, and when they fall, I become uncontrollably disappointed.

2.

I granted myself "grace"...I allowed my life to be permissible yet not beneficial for my total life. As Poet Ezekiel would say a right-ish life instead of a righteous life.

So here's where I stand, in a life always changing, yet with eyes directly on my Lord. I can't stop the change, but I can adapt.